


perfect

by xxxtabix



Series: xxx [1]
Category: Big Bang (Band), GTOP (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, GTOP, Hurt/Comfort, Lack of Communication, M/M, mention of mental health problems, peaceminuesone instagram like inspired
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:53:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxxtabix/pseuds/xxxtabix
Summary: “You’re such an asshole”, he whimpers, it wasn’t supposed to come out so pathetically, he didn’t mean to say it at all but Jiyong doesn’t care anymore at this point. Why did he think it would be any different?
Relationships: Choi Seunghyun | T.O.P./Kwon Jiyong | G-Dragon
Series: xxx [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1885657
Comments: 4
Kudos: 52





	1. the art of

Shallow breathing filled the room as the digits on the clock showed 3am. Jiyong stared at the red lights as if he was in some sort of trance. And maybe to distract himself from the soft breath that was constantly brushing against his neck and made his toes curl. He squints his eyes shut when they start to hurt from looking at the dimly lit bedside table a little too long and lets out a little sigh. It’s nothing new to him, to lay awake until unholy hours; it’s what insomnia does to you. But it’s even worse when you lay awake with a body draped against yours that should give you comfort but in this moment, does quite the opposite.

Jiyong’s hand slowly reaches for his phone that rests just a few inches next to him and unlocks it. His fingers hover over his home screen before he finally clicks on the little bird on blue ground. He never was much of a twitter user, he only has it because it was cool and new back then and he linked his instagram to it. He doesn’t quite get the concept either but sometimes he can’t help put sneak a peek, to see what people write about him. And just like he expected, his mentions are filled with pictures and questions but he ignores them all. He only follows 8 accounts so he skims through his feed before quickly leaving the app again.

Instead he opens the app that became a little addiction over the years and switches from his public to his private account. He’s aware of the fact that people share what he likes there; he’s not stupid after all. He could block the people that spread those information sure, but a little part in him _wants_ the world to know what he likes. A little glimpse of what calms his mind – or stirs his thoughts even more. Jiyong knows too damn well that once he gets sucked into the world of words of truth, pain and hurt, he won’t get out of there that easily again. A small movement at his back makes him flinch a little and push his phone against his chest - but the movement stops before it even really started.

Jiyong slowly pulls his phone up towards his face again and turns the brightness down a little more, just in case and for his poor eyes who still burn a little from the saltiness that starts to dry in the corners. His thumb starts to move in little pushes then, his eyes skimming over pictures of animals, diverse pieces of furniture and the occasional accounts he followed. His lips quirk up in a grimace as his thumb stops at a chair that could’ve been from the middle ages, all metal and thorns.

Seunghyun would probably start ranting about it now, about the individual beauty of it even though it wasn’t all that pretty in Jiyong’s eyes. But his hyung made him weirdly aware of this special piece of furniture ever since Jiyong himself got more into arts as well. He closes his eyes for a few moments when his heart clenches painfully at the thought of his hyung. Instagram is supposed to distract him, not let him dive further into the heartache he felt whenever his thoughts drifted to the older man who occupied his mind almost all the time. Before he knows it he double taps the picture and opens up the search bar. He was able to put Seunghyun off his mind for merely 15 minutes but now the damage is done and there’s no turning back. It’s like his mind, his heart, is asking for even more hurt as he scrolls through posts of the darker, depressing side of the app.

Sometimes Jiyong wonders why he can’t just mask his feelings like certain other people. Why he has to wear his heart on his sleeve for everyone to see, for everyone to judge, for everyone to interfere, to tell him what’s best for him. As if they would know what’s best for him nowadays. Military changed him and Jiyong doesn’t even try to deny it. It was exhausting, nerve wrecking and he knows he pushed himself too much, to prove to the world that he isn’t just the pretty singer and star who expects a special treatment. It was supposed to steel him, make him hide his emotions better and maybe he can fool the public if he tries hard enough but he doesn’t want to anymore. He’s tired of hiding, tired of fearing to be judged when he gets backstabbed by some rumour or disgusting article anyway. What’s the point of trying to be _perfect_?

A poem stares right back at him and he doesn’t think twice when he double taps to leave his like on it because it speaks to him louder than he thought it would.

_Perfect._

That’s what he always wanted to be. Perfect - for his parents, for his sister, for his friends and bandmates, for the president, for his fans and for the media, for oh so many people but most importantly, for Seunghyun. For Seunghyun who once told him that in his eyes, Jiyong already is perfect and he doesn’t have to change. But how can Jiyong just accept that when he sees so many flaws in himself that he hates, when he went through scandals and hardships that prove that he is far from being perfect? Jiyong never stopped trying, always told himself he’ll get there one day and then Seunghyun can tell him again that he is perfect. But now this day may never come because Seunghyun is different now, he changed just like Jiyong did. They aren’t the 17 years old teenagers anymore who fooled around in their dorm, who could sneak out at night to get ice-cream or do something stupid.

Their lives changed and at first Jiyong thought they wouldn’t suffer beneath those changes but oh how wrong he was. When it was all smiles and laughter then, it’s stoic faces and painful silences now. Not always but the majority of their time it feels like Jiyong doesn’t even know the other man anymore. He went through his own personal hell while in military and God Jiyong would never downplay this but it still makes him sad and angry at the same time. Sad that he couldn’t do anything for his hyung at that time, angry at himself that he didn’t _see_ the signs earlier. He thought he knew his hyung - but turns out he was oh so wrong. It hangs over their heads like a dark cloud that’s moments away from bursting and turning their own little bubble cold and dark, bursting it like it was never meant to last anyway. And that hurts more than anything else ever could.

Jiyong’s whole body tenses up and shudders as suddenly a warm hand brushes over his naked stomach and fingers curl around his waist, pulling him closer against the firm chest at his back. He quickly locks his phone and holds his breath, waiting for a sign that the other is awake - and he’s about to exhale when he hears the deep rumble of Seunghyun’s voice against his ear.

“Why aren’t you asleep?” It’s like a drunken slur and Jiyong has a hard time to decipher it, but honestly he isn’t in the mood to answer him. So he pretends to be asleep, to keep his breath as calm as possible and maybe it will work for once.

“Jiyong...I saw the light coming from your phone screen," Seunghyun tries again while his hand that rests on Jiyong’s stomach slowly starts to draw circles just below his navel. Jiyong has to bite his lip to hold back a moan that threatens to leave his lips at the touch. The spot is so intimate and it doesn’t help that his lover’s voice is always a little deeper after waking up. But no, he has to stay strong for once and not give in to the other man, not this time, not when his mind can’t stop coming up with unpleasant thoughts, with thoughts he tries to push away because they will only hurt him. He doesn’t even notice that he started to cry again until he hears a quiet sigh and the hand movement on his stomach stops.

“I thought you wanted to stop using that damn app at night when you’re even more sensitive than usually”, Jiyong hears his hyung mutter and those words aren’t supposed to sting as much as they do. Jiyong knows he can’t fool Seunghyun, he knows he’s awake and he knows he was looking at stuff again which would only make him feel even more awful and invalid. And sadly he also knows that it’s no use to wait for any words of comfort from him.

_He isn’t so perfect after all._

“Since when do you care?” The words leave Jiyong’s mouth in a whisper, before he can properly think about them. He didn’t mean to talk back tonight but now that he said it he feels like the knot in his stomach isn’t as tight anymore. There’s a silence and at first Jiyong thinks the other will just stay silent when he hears him huff.

“What is this, Jiyong? The start of a fight? At this hour?”

“Well maybe it will finally get a reaction out of you," Jiyong snaps and he can feel Seunghyun tense behind him. So it _did_ trigger a reaction after all and Jiyong doesn’t know whether he should laugh or cry. “See? It worked didn’t it? Don’t worry about me, hyung, I’m _perfectly_ fine.”

It’s a lie and he knows it. He knows that _Seunghyun_ knows it.

A silence settles in between them and Jiyong bites his tongue. There's a question just at the tip of his tongue that's itching to come out ever since his thoughts became too loud again.

“Do you still think I’m perfect?” he asks in a small voice because if he’s pushing his luck tonight then might as well going all in.

And he waits for an answer, for a reaction of any kind really. At this point, he’d be fine with literally _anything_ but silence. The hand on his stomach slowly leaves and Jiyong has to hold back every emotion he feels right now, every urge to scream at the other man. Because this hurts more than just the silence that slaps him right in the face.

“You’re such an asshole," he whimpers, it wasn’t supposed to come out so pathetically, he didn’t mean to say it at all - but Jiyong doesn’t care anymore at this point. Why did he think it would be any different now? Why did he get his hopes up again, the small glimmer that was still burning deep down in his heart, in that one place that will always be consumed by Seunghyun, no matter what the future holds for them.

“Get some sleep.” Seunghyun hasn’t moved from the spot pressed against Jiyong’s back but he can feel the hollow distance between them. He feels no warmth in the semi hug they find themselves in and Jiyong shivers as if to undermine the realisation he just had.

“We will talk in the morning.”

Jiyong’s eyes snap open again in surprise and in shock. He wasn’t prepared for this kind of answer. He wasn’t expecting Seunghyun to suggest to have a conversation of any form with Jiyong at all - in the _morning_. He bites his lower lip and tries to control the tremble that rushes through his body, not really knowing if it’s from the sudden coldness or the fact that his emotions are way too high right now.

“For God’s sake Jiyong just go to sleep”, Seunghyun groans against the smaller man’s neck and then his arm is back around his waist again, pulling him once again against the firm planes of his chest. His soft, curly hair tickles his bare shoulders and it’s probably wishful thinking that he felt soft lips ghost over that one special spot between his neck and shoulder.

“Seunghy-“

“ _Jiyong_ ”, he gets interrupted and Jiyong can hear that the sleepiness starts to turn into annoyance, so he shuts his mouth, closes his eyes again. Seunghyun is so close but feels so far away and Jiyong is tired, all the energy to put up a fight leaves him and he feels drained, exhausted, powerless. Like Seunghyun sucked all his energy out of him with just one word.

So he surrenders.

“Good night hyung”, he whispers still, even when his heart aches for the man that is pressed up so close against him but yet feels so far away. Even when his mind tries to tell him that he should stop wearing himself out like this. That what they are doing here isn’t healthy, for neither of them. But how could Jiyong let him go when he was and still is someone special to him for so many years?

Soft and equal breathing is all of an answer he gets and Jiyong accepts it. He accepts the fact that Seunghyun may not feel the same like he used to, when they started dating. He accepts the fact that they drifted apart somewhere along the way and now can’t seem to find back to each other. And he somehow has to accept the fact that Seunghyun didn’t answer his question and the realisation that follows is as comical as it leaves Jiyong numb. He can stop trying so hard.

_He just knew he isn’t perfect after all._


	2. communication

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hopefully, this second chapter will lessen the heartache

When Jiyong wakes up in the morning, it’s to an empty bed. He faintly remembers what happened last night and his stomach tightens uncomfortably. If he’s being honest, he doesn’t want to see Seunghyun today. It’s the way things are between them now and the fact that they both kind of seem to avoid certain _topics_ _,_ that make him dread an actual conversation. But he knows he can’t completely avoid him as it is _their_ apartment - kicking the other man out wouldn’t really work. Ever since they decided to finally move in properly together, Jiyong thought that maybe now things would start to get better, that it would help them to get closer. And Seunghyun wasn’t exactly against the proposition either, he didn’t put up much of a fight when Jiyong suggested it which of course surprised him but then again, he didn’t give it much thought. It was Jiyong who moved most of his furniture first, as well as some of the shared art pieces he got from Seunghyun anyway. The other man started to move some of his artworks a few weeks ago as well but ever since the atmosphere has been weird and more tense.

So last night was bound to happen at some point but Jiyong was expecting it to be much worse. More like a timebomb that would explode and leave much more destruction than what actually happened. Or maybe the timing just got delayed, like a dud that could detonate any minute.

Jiyong rolls onto his back and his arm falls into the empty space on his left. The sheets are cold so Seunghyun hasn’t been laying there for a while now. It should scare Jiyong that he didn’t even _notice_ that the source of warmth which usually makes him sleep way more peaceful has been gone at some point – but it doesn’t. He acknowledges it yes but that’s about it.

There are noises coming from down the hall, probably the kitchen and Jiyong drapes an arm over his eyes, trying not to let the mental picture of Seunghyun trying to make breakfast creep into his mind. He has so many fond memories of moments like this stored in there and all of them are special – he doesn’t want them to turn into negative memories just because now it’s complicated. Another noise that sounds more like a crash and then he can hear a few loud curses even through the closed door. Seunghyun doesn’t swear in public but in private it’s a whole other story.

A little worried about the kitchen, Jiyong finally sits up and drags himself out of the bed. He grabs the pair of sweatpants that is laying at the end of the bed and out of habit reaches for one of Seunghyun’s hoodies that hangs neatly over one spare chair, but he stops himself before he can grab it. As much as he’d just love to bury his nose in the fabric to inhale the familiar scent of his lover's aftershave which usually calms his nerves and makes him feel like he belonged, he decides against it. He’s too upset with the other man and drowning in one of his clothes wouldn’t set the statement he tries to make clear – that they can’t go on like this.

The realisation hits him a little harder than he initially thought.

So instead, Jiyong shuffles into the walk-in closet and pulls out a fresh, thin short sleeved shirt before he quietly opens the door to head towards the kitchen. On his way, a little furball makes its way past him and a faint smile creeps onto his lips. Ever since Dami took care of his beloved Iye while he was away, she got used to her new home and Jiyong decided that she could stay with his sister. It was actually Seunghyun’s idea to get a new one _together_ and at that time it sounded like a great idea – now, he’s not so sure anymore. Jiyong watches as the cat retreats to the bedroom and continues his own walk to the kitchen. He can smell the faint scent of food and coffee lingering in the air and wonders if Seunghyun seriously made breakfast. And maybe a small part in him even hopes that it would initiate the start of the conversation he kind of promised him they’d have in the morning.

But this flicker of hope is quickly put out when Seunghyun comes into his sight, just rounding the corner – fully dressed. Like he is ready to leave the apartment. Jiyong presses his lips together into a tight line when he sees the surprised look on his hyung’s face once he spots him.

“Oh.” Seunghyun’s lips part a little and he stops in his tracks. “I didn’t know you are up already.”

A humourless laugh escapes Jiyong’s throat and he shakes his head.

“Well as you can see I am. And you? About to leave I see?” he asks and his voice is colder than he intended it would be.

Seunghyun looks back at him with an impassive look, his lip not even twitching and that makes Jiyong so _angry_ somehow. How can he be so indifferent? How?

“Fine, don’t answer me, it’s okay, I’m used to it by now. Have fun wherever you are going. It’s not like we were supposed to have like a talk this morning or anything,” he continues bitterly and walks right past the older man when he feels a hand curling around his upper arm, stopping him. 

Jiyong turns a little but doesn’t dare to look up into Seunghyun’s face, stares at his hand instead, his eyes fixating on the scar just below the knuckle of his pointer finger. He can see how the fingers tighten their grip just a little bit.

“Don’t be like this,” Seunghyun mumbles and at this, Jiyong’s head snaps up. Is he serious right now?

“’ _Don’t be like this_.’ Seriously? What is it with _you_ lately huh? Last night you told me that sure we can chat this morning and believe me when I tell you that I was genuinely surprised you even suggested that. Because we don’t do this anymore, hyung. We don’t talk anymore, we don’t have breakfast together anymore, you’re running out on me thinking I am still asleep? Were you just on your way to maybe greet me good morning like you used to do? Or did you forget something in the bedroom that you wanted to grab real quick before you vanish for the whole day again, only to come back tonight so we can sit in silence again?”

The words won’t stop coming and with every second, Jiyong grows more frustrated. He tries to shake his arm free from the older man’s grasps but it’s no use, the fingers only tighten around his arm as if he doesn’t want Jiyong to leave. Fucking perfect.

Silence settles in between them and Jiyong hate this. He hates it so much and he knows he is moments away from snapping. And he fears there would be no turning back once he did.

“For fuck’s sake Seunghyun just _say_ something. Fucking _talk_ to me. Talk to me like you used to ! Why can’t we have _on_ _e_ decent conversation anymore without one of us getting worked up or defensive? Or without having this awkward atmosphere around us that feels more like a burden than anything else? You can’t tell me you didn’t notice that,” he whispers and something shifts in Seunghyun’s face at that.

“I did,” is all he says, eyes still locked with Jiyong’s who doesn’t know what he should do with this kind of information. So, his boyfriend did notice the change in their relationship, that they slowly started to drift apart and he did...nothing?

“You did.” He deadpans and finally pulls his arm free. “You did and didn’t try to change anything?”

Another silence.

“Great that’s just...great really. What should I do with this information now? To know that my-” Jiyong stops mid-sentence to evaluate his choice of words. Right now, he feels like the _boyfriend_ term just doesn’t sit well so he decides against it. “To know you don’t actually give a fuck about this, about us anymore?”

Maybe he’s being overdramatic now, or maybe he is not and it just needs to come out. He reached a breaking point and he is tired of fighting, not this early in the morning and preferably not ever in the future.

“Go wherever you want, do whatever you want, I don’t care. You hear me? I’m tired of waiting, I’m tired of making a fool out of myself just so you can _acknowledge_ me,” Jiyong mutters and without giving the other man another glance, he pushes past him until he stands inside the kitchen. There’s an empty plate and cup resting in the sink, right next to it he finds a bowl with some leftover rice that looks freshly made. A frustrated noise escapes through his nostrils, so Seunghyun did think of him in some way. He’s just about to make himself a cup of coffee when he hears the front door opening and closing quietly, but he feels nothing at all.

He feels – numb.

\- 

“I just don’t get him,” Jiyong groans as he is sorting through the dirty laundry, phone pressed between his ear and shoulder. “I mean I knew what I was getting into when we decided to give this a shot but now, I’m not so sure about the _knowing_ part anymore.”

On the end of the other line, Youngbae sighs.

“Come on, it’s Seunghyun we’re talking about here. Are you sure he’s not in one of his...phases again?”

Jiyong snorts and turns over a crumpled shirt with daisy prints.

“Then he’s in this phase for a pretty long time already.”

“Hey all I wanted to do is giving you a possible explanation for his behaviour. You said it’s awkward and weird between you two? Think about what he went through, what we _all_ had to deal with. I think we all are a little damaged and changed, we’re not trainees anymore after all. Life kicked in and everyone deals with these kinds of situations differently,” Youngbae explains and Jiyong huffs.

“Which side are you on here?” he mumbles but his friend only chuckles.

“I’m not on anyone's side. I’m just saying that maybe you guys should talk about this. And I know it can be exhausting, to always be the one to initiate it but just sitting this out is just as bad don’t you think? You have been together for so long, stood through every scandal and rumour and even survived the military time, it’s worth working through this isn’t it?”

Jiyong drops the pair of sweatpants he just pulled out from under the bed on the comforter and runs a hand over his face. Because somehow, he gets where Youngbae is coming from and that his words sound reasonable but there’s this petty side of him that is still reluctant to be the one to start solving their problems.

“I’m not saying that I don’t feel anything for him anymore because that would be a lie. I...I love him like I never loved anybody else but the way he treats me just makes me feel so _unloved_. And I want things to be good again between us, it’s just hard to even get through to him you know?” Jiyong explains and flops down onto the bed, staring at the ceiling. “He only looks at me with this unreadable expression on his handsome face and is silent and then _I_ get frustrated and upset and walk out on him.”

“Do you remember the time when he used to lock himself up in his villa and would not leave the house for weeks? We had to drag him out, he wouldn’t ask for help himself. He hid from us because he didn’t want us to see how miserable he was, especially you. Now that you two decided to move in together, he can’t just hide from you in your _shared_ apartment anymore. His behaviour might seem foreign because you didn’t know he could be like this, because you or the others never experienced it.”

Jiyong stares harder at the wall and his mind goes blank for a moment. That...strangely makes sense in some way and he suddenly feels a rush of guilt creep up. God is Seunghyun really struggling so bad and he just doesn’t see it? Sure, he was there for him when he had his breakdown in February and seeing him this low, this small was something Jiyong never wanted to see again. After that, things got even harder and with a start Jiyong realises that maybe Youngbae is right.

Fuck he’s such an idiot.

“I’m so stupid. I’m petty about the smallest things and can’t even see that my own boyfriend is still dealing with some shit,” he groans and rolls onto his stomach. A sympathetic chuckle rings through the phone which doesn’t help at all.

“Don’t beat yourself over that. It’s not like Seunghyun makes it easy for us either. He’s a great actor after all,” Youngbae reasons and adds softly, “just try to talk to him when he gets back home okay? I’m sure you can figure this out together.”

“Since when did you become so wise?” Jiyong asks with a little smile playing on his lips and his friend laughs.

“I was always like this but you didn’t realise until now,” comes the teasing reply, drawing a chuckle from Jiyong and he just feels that his mood is lifted. Talking to his best friend always helped and he feels little more optimistic now.

“Hyorin is lucky to have you.”

“And Seunghyun is lucky to have you. So whatever it was that caused last night's outfall, talk it out.”

“Thanks, Bae,” Jiyong says softly.

“Someone has to be the voice of reason after all. Look, I would love to chat some more with you but I gotta go. I’ll see you at my birthday party though right?”

Jiyong agrees quickly and they say their goodbyes before the line goes dead and the bedroom is filled with silence again. There are so many thoughts circling through his head again and a feeling of longing suddenly starts to pool in the pit of his stomach.

He misses Seunghyun. He misses their easier times, their banter and laughs, their nights cuddled together on the couch or in bed while Seunghyun wears his ridiculous pyjamas and fails in persuading Jiyong wear a matching one. Maybe he should’ve done it, to make him happy. Is he still happy? Was Jiyong too focused on himself that he didn’t realise the small signs?

A frustrated groan leaves his throat and he sits up. It’s already late in the evening and Jiyong wonders when his hyung will come home tonight. He stays longer in the studio these days and it reminds him of himself during their active comeback times. The studio would become his second home and he would only return to his apartment for a change of clothes.

Jiyong gets up after a few moments of just sitting on the bed and finishes picking up all the dirty laundry to store it away for the next day. A black hoodie with the word ‘hero’ peeks out just from under one of his jeans and without a second thought, he grabs it and pulls it over his head. The sleeves swallow his hands and it falls a little over his thighs but it smells like Seunghyun. He wears it a lot these days and in an instant, Jiyong feels a little calmer. They can do this, he tells himself and walks back to the living room where he sinks down onto the couch and pulls his phone out.

When he opens instagram, the picture of last night stares back at him and a feeling of guilt rushes through him. It all started with a stupid quote on this damn app and of course Seunghyun was right, he is more sensitive at night. He groans and refreshes the page to think about something else, checking on his friend’s feed and liking some fan edits but then he grows tired and puts his phone aside. The apartment is so quiet and it makes him feel so goddamn lonely.

Jiyong grabs his phone once again and opens line, chewing on his lower lip before he opens a chat and starts typing.

 _To_ _Seunghyun_ _, 19:21_ _– should I cook us something? or do we order tonight?_

 _To_ _Seunghyun_ _, 19:24_ _– I think I’m in the mood for_ _thai_ _wbu?_

 _To_ _Seunghyun_ _, 19:58_ _– :)_

 _To_ _Seunghyun_ _, 20:10 – is your recording session going_ _well_ _?_

 _To_ _Seunghyun_ _, 20:18 – you won’t_ _answer me right?_

 _To_ _Seunghyun_ _, 20:19 – great then don’t I don’t care anyway_

_To Seunghyun, 20:21 – fuck what am I even writing that’s a lie and we both know it_

_To Se_ _unghyun_ _, 20:24 – I miss you_

_-_

Jiyong doesn’t remember falling asleep but he startles awake when he feels a soft brush against his forehead and fingers gliding through his hair. He blinks his eyes open and looks right into dark, charcoal eyes that always had this special effect on him. Then he realises that the hand is still in his hair, resting there before it slowly wanders down and over his cheek. The touch sends tingles through his whole body and his breath hitches.

“Hi.” It’s barely more than a whisper but he’s sure the other man heard him.

“Hey,” Seunghyun murmurs just as quietly, his thumb still stroking the smaller man’s cheek. His eyes glide from Jiyong’s eyes down his body and he raises a brow in surprise when he sees what he’s wearing.

“Is that mine?” he asks and Jiyong wants to snort and maybe hit him. All this time they barely talk with each other but this is the first thing his lover notices?

“It is. I was doing laundry but then I decided to wear it for one more night.” There’s a pause. “It smells like you, you know,” he adds and curls his fingers in the inside of the sleeves. Seunghyun doesn’t say anything at first and the annoyance slowly starts to make its way back inside Jiyong, but then he finally speaks.

“I like this. You wearing my clothes, I mean,” Seunghyun admits and his eyes grow a little softer around the edges, he seems more relaxed somehow. Jiyong sighs and unconsciously leans into the touch some more.

“You do?”

“Yeah,” comes the mumbled reply and Jiyong sits up a little. His neck hurts from laying down in a weird way and he really needs to stretch out his limbs. Seunghyun is kneeling in front of him and his hand slips from his cheek to rest just next to his thigh. One lock is falling into his face and Jiyong has the urge to brush it out of his face – so he does. His fingers gently brush against Seunghyun’s temple as he tugs the strand of hair behind his ear. The other man watches him with tired looking eyes.

“I thought you are mad at me,” he admits and Jiyong’s lips part slightly, a little taken aback by the sheer confession. He shrugs and then nods.

“I am.”

“Then why aren’t you yelling at me yet?”

Jiyong’s hand stops abruptly what it’s doing and frowns.

“What do you mean? Why would I yell at you?”

Seunghyun just shrugs, a little helplessly and then gets up from his position on the floor. He takes a few steps back and slumps down into the armchair right across the couch. His knee starts to bounce immediately and Jiyong knows that his hyung is nervous in an instant. His heart clenches.

“It’s what we do nowadays isn’t it. Yelling at each other, fighting...I know it’s weighting you down and you have every right to be mad at me. I didn’t treat you exactly like I should have,” he explains and casts his eyes downwards. Having Seunghyun admitting it so freely, as if a switch inside of him has been turned, isn’t what Jiyong expected. And definitely not his boyfriend taking all the blame upon himself.

“I wasn’t exactly fair to you either,” he mumbles while he keeps fiddling with the sleeves of the hoodie. He needs to keep his hands busy when they’re having this conversation now.

Seunghyun only shakes his head though and runs a hand through his messy hair.

“I can’t blame you for behaving like you did, Jiyong. I know I’m being difficult and that it’s frustrating because believe me, I don’t like it either. No, I _hate_ being like this, making you sad and angry and all the emotions I don’t want you to feel towards me. But I can’t help it I...I don’t know what to do.” There’s a short silence before he continues.

“Ever since I came back there is this hollowness inside of me. Like something went missing along the way and I’m currently trying to figure out just what it is. I thought maybe it is making music again, that it would cheer me up and it _does_ to a certain extent, I like being in the studio and it did lift my mood but still.”

Another silence. Jiyong doesn’t interrupt him because this is the most Seunghyun spoke to him since _weeks_ and he fears he would stop if Jiyong were to disturb his flow now.

“Last night you asked me if I still think that you are perfect.”

There, there it is. The question that started his mind to run wild again, the question that made Jiyong’s feelings burst out of him way harder than he wanted to. And he somehow fears Seunghyun’s answer to it now. What does he want to hear? A no? A yes? Because both answers wouldn’t sit right with him. So he simply nods his head and focuses on his hyung who looks past him, at something behind him.

“The truth is...I can’t answer that question.”

Jiyong’s lips part and his heart sinks. He was prepared for a simple yes or no, not _this_. What the hell is he supposed to think?

“What do you mean you can’t answer that?” His voice is surprisingly calm.

Seunghyun looks so fragile and Jiyong regrets that he spoke now, he wanted to let him speak on his own. “Sorry,” he says quietly and pulls his legs up close to his chest, waiting for his hyung to continue.

“Perfect is such a strange word. It can mean so much but at the same time nothing at all. I used to believe so many things are perfect, that actors and singers are perfect and I _believed_ that. But seeing how it is now, how everyone struggles eventually and you only see what _they_ want you to see – I don’t know how to use the word anymore. I know I once said that to me, you are perfect. And somehow I still believe that because when I know one thing then it’s that I love you and to me you will always be flawless even though I know that you are not. Nobody is and God this probably doesn’t make sense at all now but – I guess last night I was a little too taken aback by the question because I suddenly asked myself what _you_ would answer if I were to ask you the same question. Would you say I am perfect? Because I know I am not and how should I expect someone else to think I am perfect when I can’t give myself enough credit to think that way?”

The silence that follows is thick and Jiyong holds his breath, not realising he does. So that’s what went through Seunghyun’s head all this time? The struggle to accept that others may think better of him than how he sees himself? And...wondering if _Jiyong_ would actually think of him in a sense of perfection?

Jiyong opens his mouth and closes it again, at a loss for words. He feels like a complete asshole now.

“I am...I am sorry,” he finally chokes out with an unsteady voice and before he knows it, he stands up and strides over to Seunghyun, slipping into his lap. His hands shake a little as he reaches up to touch his boyfriend’s face, the sudden urge to touch him, to just _feel_ him is too overwhelming.

“Jiyong-” Seunghyun starts but the latter shakes his head and presses a finger against his lips.

“I know I can be a little much sometimes and I am sorry I didn’t realise that you were struggling again. I chose to oversee it as you not being as interested as before, I blamed it on the military instead of using my brain, connecting the dots that it has happened before and I am so _sorry_. I didn’t mean to push you I- I am sorry hyung,” he whispers, his eyes shining with unshed tears that are moments away from falling.

The older man doesn’t move at first but then he rests his hands on Jiyong’s hip, pulling him a little closer but there is still space between them so they can look at each other easily.

“Stop apologising. It’s not your fault, I don’t blame you okay? You know it’s hard for me to open up about this to anyone and I didn’t want you to see me like this. Stupid right? When we actually talked about it and there were moments when I just wanted to break down in front of you but I just _couldn’t_. Because I don’t want you to worry about me-”

“Bullshit, let me fucking worry about you, you idiot, I am here to support you,” Jiyong mutters and for the first time in a long time, a small chuckle escapes Seunghyun’s lips which makes Jiyong smile as well.

“I know and I’m sorry okay? I am trying, I will try in the future, I promise,” the older says but Jiyong shakes his head, he doesn’t want Seunghyun to promise him something he has no control of.

“You don’t have to promise me, hyung. All that matters is that _I k_ _now_ that you are trying and you will remind me what a dickhead I am once I’m turning into a drama queen again. Okay?”

Seunghyun’s hands slip up over the smaller man’s waist, trailing up his back before he thumbs away a few tears that eventually slipped out of Jiyong’s eyes during the last few minutes. But he nods.

“Okay.”

Jiyong smiles and leans forward to rest their foreheads together.

“We’re some special kinds of idiots aren’t we,” he breathes, leaning into his boyfriend’s hand once again, his stomach fluttering pleasantly like he knows it, like he wants it to be, always. They get lost in each other’s gaze, neither of them saying a word for the next few minutes because there are no words needed. They both understand that _communication_ is the key in this relationship and both know that they have to work on it.

And then Seunghyun leans in, brushing their lips together in the softest way, just a slow moving of lips against lips. Jiyong sighs and buries his fingers in the elder's long locks, loving the feeling of it as the other’s hands drop down to his waist again. The kiss is unrushed as both drown in the feeling of having the other close again but it soon gets a little more heated, as Jiyong sucks Seunghyun’s bottom lip between his teeth, making him tip his head back. God how he missed his man. Their breaths mingle and their hands wander, soft groans and gasps fill the room before Jiyong pulls away first to look down into his hyung’s face, smiling as he realises that he looks _content._

He can’t help but just really _look_ at him.

“What is it?” Seunghyun asks with a slightly raised brow but Jiyong only kisses him again, fingers slipping down his jaw and rest in the nape of his neck.

“Nothing. I just admired your eternal beauty,” he teases which earns an eye roll but he hasn’t finished yet.

“I just realised that this is the most relaxed you looked in weeks and maybe I am kinda smug because it has to be because of me,” the smaller man finishes, yelping when he feels his boyfriend pinching his ass, hard.

“Don’t think too greatly of yourself, Jiyongie,” Seunghyun says in a low voice and kisses his jaw, slowly turning Jiyong into a puddle consisting of whines and sighs.

“ _Seunghyunnie_.”

“Hmm?”

Jiyong’s eyes are warm and soft as he stares into his hyung’s tender ones, smiling.

“I missed you.

“I missed you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> I saw one of the posts Jiyong liked on his private account and let's just say my imagination went through the roof. This idea was stuck in my head for a few days now and I finally found the time to write it down.
> 
> (cross posted on asianfanfics)


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